Gloria Gaynor knew that keeping a toxic person out of your life was easier said than done. The second verse of the iconic song that inspired our name says it all,
And so you’re back, from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I’d have known for just one second, you’d be back to bother me.
But why do they keep coming back? Why can’t they just leave and be done with us? Especially when they’ve gone to great lengths to tell us all the things that are wrong with us. When they’ve worked so hard to drive it home that we are substandard and not worthy of their love, why can’t they just leave and let us move on? Why does the narcissist keep coming back?
The answer to that question is that this is a truly “It’s not you, it’s them” situation. And because the problem lies with them, not you, they keep coming back to try to manipulate you again and again. In this blog post we will discuss the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle, and why we teach you how to break that cycle and become narcissist proof.
The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
In a recent blog post, we talked about Love Bombing and how narcissists lure you into their world. Love bombing is part of the narcissistic cycle of abuse. It starts with Idealization, which includes love bombing to draw you into their world. From idealization, the cycle transitions to devaluing, during which the narcissist starts to withdraw from their partner. This cycle ends in discarding their partner and moving on to someone else.
In some toxic relationships, there is a fourth phase: hoovering. It is indeed a reference to the vacuum cleaner brand Hoover, and it means that the narcissist is trying to suck you back into their world.
The Hoovering Phase
According to Psychology Today, “During the process, the narcissist abuser may employ virtually any means necessary to obtain their desired result: the return of the victim to the abusive relationship. These ploys can include attempting to put the victim on a guilt-trip, generating false promises of changed behavior, false promises of too-good-to-be-true gifts, begging, screaming at the victim, use of relationship shame, making threats, insincerely accepting blame for the failure of the relationship, or even using others (flying monkeys) to help persuade the victim to return to the relationship.”
Hoovering works when the partner is still mourning the relationship and sees an end to their heartbreak and pain by letting their partner back in. The partner believes that they can have a fresh start, learn from the past, and go forward more happily than ever. In some instances, the partner who has been hurt by the narcissist allows them to come back to them over and over and over again.
I Grew Strong Helps Break the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
While we often talk about romantic relationships, emotional abuse being cyclic applies to all types of toxic relationships. It can be a friend who discards you and then tries to rekindle your friendship over and over. It can be a parent or sibling who exits your life and then comes back. Or it can be a boss or coworker who may not be able to disappear from your life, but cycles through how much attention they pay to you and what type of attention they offer.
When you can recognize the tell-tale signs of a narcissist, you are empowered to handle anyone who comes into your world.
We talk about this throughout our blogs and our website because it is so important: I Grew Strong is all about you. We do not focus on a specific person in your past, we focus on you. When you can recognize the tell-tale signs of a narcissist, you are empowered to handle anyone who comes into your world. You can allow them to be in your life, or you can deny them access to your world. You are no longer susceptible to their tricks and manipulations. And you can build healthy boundaries that are integral to having a happy life.
The Goal of I Grew Strong
In our theme song, I Will Survive, the lyrics talk about things that should have been done. That the singer wishes she would have done. In I Grew Strong, our goal is to help you avoid the “should have” and get to a point where you have confidence in yourself. Our goal is to help give you clarity about what to do anytime a toxic person tries to gain entrance into your life. We know how hard this can be. We get it, we have been there, too. That is why when you are ready, we are here to help.
Source of I Will Survive lyrics: https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Gloria-Gaynor-2/I-Will-Survive