In our blog, 7 Signs You’re Being Gaslighted, we gave examples of how a toxic person manipulates their partner into feeling confused, anxious, and unable to trust their own instincts and logic. But what happens to someone who has experienced gaslighting when they enter their next relationship? Can you recover from a relationship with a narcissist and ever learn to trust anyone again? In this blog post we will talk about trusting someone new, the types of situations that can trigger old fears, and why letting yourself trust is a gift to yourself.
What Exactly is Trust?
So what exactly is trust? Psychology today offers several explanations, including “ a belief that a person will behave in certain ways.” Trust also means feeling confident that someone is dependable, and that they care about you. Trust can also be thought of as belief in something or someone without proof.
In a healthy relationship, you can trust that your partner’s actions match their words. If they say they are working late, they are working late. If they say that they are visiting their mother, they are visiting their mother. You do not feel the urge to follow up to make sure they did what they said. You do not question their story about how the experience was. When you trust someone, you do not seek out proof that they really did what they said.
Gaslighting Destroys Trust
In a toxic relationship, narcissists will betray your trust by lying to you and then making you question your own judgment. A classic example is that they tell you that they are doing one thing, but doing another. In the example above, they might tell you that they are visiting your mother, but you find out by accident that they went somewhere else.
Gaslighting destroys trust.
Instead of offering up a plausible explanation, apologizing, or admitting that they did something other than what they said, they convince you that you misunderstood where they said they were going. Sometimes they get angry at you for asking about the situation in the first place and turn the whole argument around and claim that you do not trust them because something is wrong with you. Over time, you no longer trust your own judgment, and you have a hard time knowing what is truth and what is a lie.
Trusting Yourself, Trusting Someone New
I Grew Strong helps you break free from self-doubt and regain your confidence in your own decision making. We teach you how to trust your own instincts again. When you trust yourself, you will have faith in your ability to tell whether someone is honest or a liar. And you will have faith in your own willingness to take action based on that trust of yourself.
Trusting someone new does not always happen on a linear path. There can be ups and downs as different triggers happen. For example, one of our clients spent a long time in a relationship in which her ex-boyfriend used last minute work obligations to cover up his infidelity. When she found credit card statements and other proof that he had not been where he said he was, he grew angry and blamed her for being so untrusting that he had to get away to have time “for himself.”
After leaving that relationship and working to rebuild her own life and self-confidence, our client’s new husband would occasionally get the chance to pick up overtime for his job. That was a huge emotional trigger for her that brought up fears that he was being unfaithful. One day she confided that it was a stressful situation because it triggered old emotions. She assumed he would be mad and feel like she didn’t trust him. Instead of getting mad, he was understanding and loving. The more she grew confident in her own judgment, the less frequently his overtime triggered those old feelings of distrust and anxiety.
Learning to Trust is a Gift to Yourself
Keeping your bullshit meter on high alert can seem like you’re protecting yourself. But the truth is, allowing yourself to trust people is a gift to yourself. The alternative is to keep up protective walls around yourself. While those walls may seem like they are keeping you safe, they are also keeping good people out of your life.
When you have faith in your own judgment and you allow yourself to trust people again, you open yourself to healthy relationships. You open yourself up to trusting people who are deserving of your love and who will love you unconditionally.