Life hasn’t really been about you much, at least not while you had a narcissist in your world. It has been about them. We know this because that is one of the hallmarks of being in a relationship with a narcissist. But now you are considering being out or maybe you are out of the relationship – and you have come to the realization that you have a life of your own to live. In this blog post we will discuss what it is like to live with a narcissist, why I Grew Strong focuses on you, not on the narcissist, and why it is so important to focus on yourself.
What It’s Like to Live with a Narcissist
Life with a narcissist ranges anywhere from difficult to downright impossible. Psychologically speaking, narcissism exists on a spectrum, and there are many kinds of narcissists. As a result, life with a narcissist also varies greatly. However, many of the survivors of narcissistic relationships who we have spoken to and worked with come out feeling confused, full of self-doubt, lacking self-esteem, and questioning their own decision making skills.
In our previous blogs, we have talked about some of the most toxic tools that narcissists use in relationships. We talked about gaslighting. We talked about love-bombing. And we talked about all of those crazy-making experiences that the narcissist put you through with the express purpose of tearing you down. They intentionally took all of the love, compassion, empathy, and all of the good qualities that you have, and tried to break you, tried to make you feel weak and dependent upon them.
I Grew Strong Focuses on You, Not the Narcissist
Let us be very blunt here: the narcissist had their chance to be front and center in your life, but they ruined it. Period. They don’t get another chance. We are done talking about them. It’s your turn now to be front and center in your own life. It’s time to take that love, that compassion, that empathy, and turn all of that attention onto your own self. You spent way too much time already thinking about them. We are moving on from there.
This is why the narcissist is not featured much in our coaching. We talk about them at the beginning, and that’s it. And quite honestly, the only reason we talk about them is to help you understand why you feel the way you feel. The next stage in your life is not about them. It is about you. It is time for you to learn about you, for you to care about you, for you to nurture you. Now, you will get to think about you, and about your wants, your needs. You will get to think about where you’ve been, where are you now, and where you want to go next.
The Benefits of Focusing on Yourself
It is your time to be the center of your own attention. Focusing on your own needs is the most basic form of self-care. While self-care has been somewhat of a buzzword in the last several years, it goes well beyond booking a spa day.
Focusing on Yourself Makes You the Author of Your Life
According to Psychology Today, “When you take care of yourself, you become the author, not the victim, of your life.” This is a perfect explanation of why we focus on you, not the narcissist or emotional abuser from your life. Our goal is to make you narcissist-proof. This way you can encounter toxic people without letting them into your life in a way that will hurt you. By focusing on who you are as an individual and what you want out of your life, we help you be the author of your life.
You might be thinking that putting yourself first – and loving yourself first- can seem like something a narcissist does. But when you remember that most narcissists usually don’t really like themselves, let alone love themselves, you can see the difference. The narcissist puts themself first while simultaneously putting someone else down, or taking something from them. When a healthy individual puts themself first, it is simply to achieve inner peace and fulfillment. They don’t need to affect anyone else.
Focusing on Yourself Enables You to Help Others You Love
In fact, by putting themselves first, a healthy person can have an even more beneficial impact on the others in their life. In an article on NBC News, author Liz Bentley explains, “When your needs are met and you feel good about yourself, it’s easier to elevate the needs of other people in front of your own. It’s easy to be a giver when your cup is full. “
Putting yourself first can be as simple as taking time alone to relax.
In our program Finding More Me, we teach you how to fill up your own cup so that you can do the things you want to do in life. That might be fulfilling your own dreams, finding a relationship that makes you happy. It could mean helping others who you love. It might mean being a role model to someone in your world, whether a child or another adult.
Focusing on Yourself Has Physical Health Benefits
It is no secret that there are physical side effects to stress. Headaches, anxiety, high blood pressure, fatigue, stomach and digestive problems, muscle pain, and more are directly linked to stress. When you put yourself first and no longer participate in relationships that cause you pain and stress, your body will benefit. Many of us do not realize just how physically sick we felt while in a toxic relationship until we are no longer in it.
One of our clients shared that she used to have debilitating migraine style headaches that no medicine could help. She tried every prescription and holistic treatment she could find. When she ended a 10-year relationship with a toxic, narcissistic man, she realized that she was no longer having headaches. While we do not offer medical advice in I Grew Strong, in her situation it became obvious that her headaches were from living a life of stress.
I Grew Strong is Here to Help You Focus on Yourself
We have learned a lot from talking to so many women who have a difficult time focusing on themselves. It is a common theme, from women in our private practices, to the women we meet through I Grew Strong, and throughout our friends and family. It applies to women in healthy relationships and women in toxic relationships. Many women feel the need to help others before we help ourselves.
But think of the instructions the flight attendants share when you are getting ready to take off on an airplane. You need to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help the people with you. How else will you help them if you can not breathe yourself? Your emotional health is not that different from oxygen in that it is a critical part of being alive.
We will spare you the cheesy “flight attendant of life” metaphor that we could make. But that is why we started I Grew Strong and why we developed Finding More Me. So that you can learn to live the life you want, which starts with focusing on your own self. We are here whenever you are ready, just contact us at https://igrewstrong.com/contact.