Introduction
In our most recent blog, we explored the concept of Love Bombing and how narcissists and other toxic people use it to draw someone into their world while giving up their own. Once the person has been wooed and drawn into the narcissist’s world – typically isolated from their friends and family – the narcissist is ready to start gaslighting them as part of their devaluation process. In this blog post we will explore the concept of gaslighting and provide 7 signs that you are being gaslighted in your current relationship.
What is Gaslighting?
According to Medical News Today, “Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories. People experiencing gaslighting often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves.”
Gaslighting is particularly effective after love bombing. The partner being manipulated has been made to feel so good about themselves, so cherished, and so special that they truly trust their partner. Because they have willingly given up their own circle of friends and interests, they are living in the middle of the narcissist’s reality. They believe them to be on their side and someone who would never hurt them. This is exactly what the narcissist’s goal was in the first place.
7 Signs You’re Being Gaslighted
According to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, gaslighters use the following techniques: withholding, countering, blocking/diverting, trivializing, and forgetting/denying. Let’s take a look at how these might show up in a toxic relationship.
- Your partner ignores you, gives you the silent treatment when they are upset with you, and refuses to communicate with you. This is a tactic called withholding. By removing their affection, you feel isolated and as if the other person is in control. You think that if you had just done everything “right”, they would not have withdrawn their affection and attention, so it is your fault that you feel the way you do. However, in a healthy relationship, even if you had made a mistake, your partner would be willing to communicate and work through problems together.
- Your partner has a much different version of events than you do and accuses you of not being able to remember things correctly. This is called countering, and the goal is to make you question your memory or your ability to assess a situation or individual. It is another way to make you second guess your instincts. In a healthy relationship, even if people do have different versions of the same story, they can respect the fact that both of their memories might be inaccurate or drop the argument entirely.
- Your partner refuses to talk about a subject and just shuts down and tells you that you are crazy or too emotional. This is called blocking, and it leaves the blocked partner feeling frustrated and unable to work through the conflict. Blocking is dismissive and is another way that the gas lighter causes their partner to question their instincts and feelings. In a healthy relationship, people are willing to work through problems even if it is a difficult or unpleasant topic.
- Your partner changes the subject when you try to confront them or have a conversation about something and redirects the topic to a fault of yours. By diverting your conversation and turning your feelings back around so that you are in the wrong, the narcissist ensures that he is seen in the best light while you are made to be the problem in the relationship. In a healthy relationship, partners should be willing to hear their partner’s complaints and have a mature conversation about how they can resolve the issue.
- Your partner hurts your feelings and tells you that you are too sensitive. This is called trivializing. By telling you that you are too sensitive, you are once again made to question your own emotions. You start to wonder if you are the problem, if you are finding fault with someone who is perfect, as they showed to you when they were love bombing you. In a healthy relationship, your partner will be remorseful for hurting your feelings and apologize.
- Your partner denies committing an act even though you have solid proof that they did it. You have phone records, a credit card bill, and text messages that prove your partner was cheating, yet the narcissist denies any wrongdoing. Not only do they deny it, but they also have a perfectly reasonable explanation to disprove your claims. Once again, this is a sinister way of making you question your own instincts. You are convinced that you are crazy and untrusting and not able to accurately read a situation.
- Your partner forgets that something happened even though you remember it very clearly. By conveniently forgetting something that happened, the narcissist continues to convince you that you are the one in the wrong, that your memory is not to be trusted. In a healthy relationship, people are willing to admit that their memory might not be perfect, and they are not afraid to be wrong sometimes.
Conclusion
Occasionally, one of these things will happen in a healthy relationship. An isolated incident of any of these does not mean that your partner is a narcissist. Sometimes people do not want to talk about something, or their feelings are hurt, and they withdraw their emotions until they are ready to talk about it or let some time pass. Sometimes we are feeling extra sensitive, and our feelings are hurt by something that was meant to be a joke.
When these things happen repeatedly, though, it is time to really examine whether you feel as if you are in a happy, mutually supportive and respectful relationship. If you feel like you are always being thrown off balance or that your emotions are being toyed with, you may be involved in a toxic relationship, possibly with a narcissist. Only you can decide what the next step will be, if you will end the relationship or remain in it. Either way, we get it. We have been there, too. And when you’re ready, we are ready to help.