Sometimes it can take a long time to really realize (or sometimes even admit to yourself) that you are in an emotionally unhealthy relationship. It can take an even longer time to decide to leave that relationship. And depending on your situation – whether you are dating, living together, married, or have children together – you will have different things to consider that will affect if, when, and how you leave. In this blog post we will examine the emotional considerations, financial considerations, and legal considerations that come up when considering leaving an unhealthy relationship.
Emotional Considerations when Leaving an Unhealthy Relationship
People who emotionally manipulate their partners do it to gain power and control over the other person. When you leave, you are saying that you will no longer allow them to have that influence over you. Whether your partner is a narcissist or simply emotionally manipulative, it is safe to say that they are not known for having amicable breakups.
If you are leaving an unhealthy relationship, your partner will likely try to manipulate you to convince you to stay. Some will do it with declarations of love and the love bombing techniques that they used in the beginning of your relationship. Others will become angry and accusatory and tell you that nobody will ever love you like they do or that you will never find anyone as good as them again. Some will become panicked that they are losing you. They might threaten you or even attempt to cause physical harm to you.
When leaving an unhealthy relationship, it is likely that the person you are leaving may try to control you by cutting you off financially.
If you have decided to leave, you will need to understand that your partner’s responses are to protect their own interests, not yours. And therefore, it is helpful to find resources who can assist you as you consider many factors. Some women find it more beneficial to break off contact with the person to the extent possible based on their living situation like a shared lease or mortgage, or if they parent children together. If breaking off contact entirely is not possible, other women have found that being firm and limiting conversations to only relevant topics (such as dividing possessions or co-parenting children) is best.
A therapist or coach can help you navigate the emotions that you will encounter. They can help you through all of the stages of this difficult time. They can also help you learn to trust again and grow new relationships that are positive and good for you. Many therapists, like both of us, have experienced our own negative, unhealthy relationships so we understand what our clients are going through.
Financial and Legal Considerations When Leaving an Unhealthy Relationship
When leaving an unhealthy relationship, it is likely that the person you are leaving may try to control you by cutting you off financially. This can be to try to keep you with them, or to make you suffer without them. They might cancel credit cards or remove money from shared accounts or change the login information or passwords to accounts that you share.
If you own property together or parent children together, your partner might also try to threaten to prevent you from accessing your property or seeing your children. It is common for toxic partners and narcissistic types to try to use custody of your children as a point of leverage.
It is common for toxic partners and narcissistic types to try to use custody of your children as a point of leverage.
You are not alone in facing these challenges. These threats can be terrifying, especially when you are not familiar with communal property laws and parental rights, and at a time when you are already going through the emotions of ending a toxic relationship. Friends, although well-meaning, can often add to your uncertainty and fear by sharing inaccurate information.
As someone who is used to putting others first, and yourself last, you may benefit from consulting a financial advisor and an attorney while you are deciding whether or not to leave an unhealthy relationship or marriage. These experts can help you by providing a clear explanation of your rights, and how to protect yourself.
Having the expertise of a financial planner and a family law professional can also make you feel empowered with knowledge of your rights, which can help you whether you decide to leave the relationship or if you decide to stay. Knowing the facts about legal and financial matters can give you peace of mind so that you can focus on what is going on within you as you ponder whether or not to leave or stay in your relationship.
Preparing Yourself for Life After Your Relationship
Having a supportive network of people around you is important throughout life, but particularly when going through something as difficult as ending an unhealthy relationship. Friends and family members are an important part of this network, but unless they have professional expertise, their input on emotional, legal and financial matters may be more harmful than helpful. To the extent possible, we recommend relying on them for love, companionship, and spending time together, and relying on your therapist or coach, financial planner, and lawyer for professional advice to help you through this experience.
Navigating if, when, and how to leave an emotionally unhealthy relationship is hard. We cannot sugar coat that. By preparing yourself for the emotional, financial, and legal situations that you may face during your breakup or divorce, you will be better poised to regain control of your own present and future. And when you are ready, we’re here to address the impact of toxic relationships and abuse so that you can reconnect to your needs and fall in love with yourself so you can build the life YOU dream of.